By Chris Charles

You beauty

"I don't like to look like this, but in four or five days I will be beautiful once again."
Cristiano Ronaldo may have suffered facial injuries against Roma, but his ego remained unbruised.

"When you do bad things, he still wants to kill you, but that is a good thing for a manager."
Ronaldo reveals the Fergie hair-dryer is still in good working order.

"I had 52 messages on my phone within an hour of the final whistle and some were from people I'd never heard of, which was a bit worrying."
England coach Brian Ashton is the victim of text pests after the memorable win over Australia.

"I was using a five-iron - it should have been a six because I would have missed it."
Scottish golfer Marc Warren on the comedy injury of the year, sustained when he did a practice swing in his hotel room and shattered a chandelier, showering himself in glass.

"I was only wearing a towel and I was swinging, admiring my physique. I won't be doing that again."
And there's more from Warren, who was playing for GB & Ireland in the Seve Trophy.

"He's obviously having a smashing time!"
Warren's team captain, Nick Faldo, sees the funny side.

"We need the farmers to bring their wellies and get over here."
Colin Montgomerie is not best pleased to discover 80,000 people attended Ireland's National Ploughing Championships, while the Seve Trophy - being held down the road - went largely unnoticed.

Right, Bernie, this is how it is

"Flavio will be the one wearing the big tie."
Bernie Ecclestone promises to play second fiddle to Flavio Briatore at QPR. He'll be the one wearing the little tie.

"It just depends whether we are sleeping under the coconut tree or rowing the boat."
Fiji fly-half Nicky Little just before the boat came in for his side against Wales in the Rugby World Cup.

"What is pretty plain to see is that Ireland do not deserve to be in the knockout stages. The truth is that they were dreadful in every game, they got their pants pulled down and they were spanked."
Zinzan Brooke gets to the bottom of Ireland's World Cup exit in his BBC column.

"My father worked hard in the Uzbek judicial system and my mother was a wonderful human being. These people could not have brought up what one European politician called a gangster and racketeer. I will leave that one to his conscience."
Russian billionaire and Arsenal shareholder Alisher Usmanov dismisses suggestions he's a wrong'un - and woe betide anyone who disagrees.

"How do they get in the team? Train brilliantly, play in the reserves brilliantly and be better than the players that are in the team."
Wolves boss Mick McCarthy tells it how it is - just for a change - when asked how you win a place in his starting XI.

"We've tasted the prawn sandwiches and we've come to a meat and potato pie place like this, which is a proper football club."
Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd on the culinary differences between Man Utd and Scunthorpe.

"Sanchez told us to hit long balls and pick up rebounds. He wanted us to play like Neanderthals but I am not a Neanderthal man and I told him I could not continue."
Franck Queudrue on why he was not the missing link for Fulham.

"I was sure Hamilton was retiring, he seemed to have no power any longer, but by the time I looked back, I was already in Mark's rear end."
Sebastian Vettel commenting on Lewis Hamilton's erratic driving behind the safety car, I think. (Sam Arthur, England).

Oh my God, I can't believe it

"I can't believe it. I just can't believe it....I always believed we could do it."
England scrum-half Andy Gomersall giving his reaction to England's win over Australia in the Rugby World Cup. (James, Southampton).

"Sort of desolate, decayed, the smell of - I don't want to dramatise it - but death, you know. That is what it feels like, no-man's land, and it is not a nice place to be."
New Zealand's Anton Oliver describes the All Blacks' dressing room after losing to France in the Rugby World Cup. (Luke Callan, exiled Kiwi, UK).

"Brian Ashton has been ruled out of England's World Cup 2008 qualifier against Estonia."
Subtitles on News 24 sports round-up - presumably because he'll be busy with the rugby team. (Derek Elmore, UK).

"Only Arsenal have scored more goals then Arsenal this season."
Dicky Davies getting a little confused in the build-up to the Fulham-Portsmouth game. (Ben, UK).

"Swann has taken to international cricket like a duck to water."
Dougie Brown, speaking on TMS about Graeme Swann. (Graham Yapp, UK).

"It is painfully obvious to me that the right guy to be world champion is Lewis. In fact, my main fear would be if he didn't win it. Kimi Raikkonen barely talks to anyone and, as such, has done little for the sport. And as for Fernando Alonso, in his two years as world champion he has done nothing."
Bernie Ecclestone proves just how impartial he can be when he puts his mind to it. (Fershad, Australia).

"It's a bit like a deciding frame."
Comment by Dennis Taylor in the Pot Black match between Robertson and Hendry. You only play one frame in Pot Black! (Daniel Tuck, UK).

Blimey, so that's what I was wearing!

"Tony Adams, when I first joined the club. He got better when he stopped drinking, mind you."
Ray Parlour on Soccer AM commenting on the worst-dressed team-mate he has ever had. (David Tayler, Norwich).

"A third goal at the City Ground - I wish I'd a-gone-gone!"
Sky Sports presenter Jeff Stelling on Junior Agogo's winner for Nottingham Forest. (Daniel Williams, England).

"There is the principle of a child who is very gifted - if you put him in a bad class, he goes down; you put him in a good class and he goes up. In football it is just the same."
Arsene Wenger's philosophy that the Fifa quota proposal will affect quality. (Jamie Liddiard, England).

"And George Gregan is being molested at the breakdown."
ITV commentator reveals England's alternative tactics to get after Australia's scrum-half. (Michael Scallon, England).

"We need a good result at Anfield and there is no better place to start than Tottenham."
Peter Crouch. (Max, England).

"Kaboul's injury-time winner earned a thrilling 4-4 draw with Aston Villa on Monday."
From London's Metro newspaper. (Paul Dixon, UK).

"Hopefully it won't spoil his good looks."
Commentator during the Man Utd-Roma game when Wayne Rooney got a whack in the mouth. (Christopher Arvo Hawdon, Cardiff).

"I read Khan turned down a photoshoot with Naomi Campbell to concentrate on training for this fight. The closest I've come to a photoshoot was when I was asked to pose with Donna the barmaid at my local, the Dog and Duck."
Amir Khan's latest victim, Scott Lawton, on the boxer's celebrity lifestyle. (Navid, England).

"I'm not sure what's French for deja vu."
Commentator at the RWC in France. (John Hunt, UK).

"Andrew Flintoff is to see a renowned joint specialist in Amsterdam."
Newsreader on Thursday's 5live breakfast. Would that be for some pain relief?! (Chris Tagg, England).

"We have bought two new players, one younger than the other."
Sven-Goran Eriksson. (Michael Painter, England).

Good one, Ray!

"John Terry is a bloke."
Ray Wilkins during Valencia v Chelsea. (Paul Bennett, England).

"Me and Don (Goodman) have had plenty of number twos in our time, it's not that big a deal."
Tony Cascarino with a bit of toilet humour on Sky, when asked about Liverpool's assistant manager leaving. (Steven Hoare, Liverpool).

"Avram Grant is in a no-win situation - unless his team win."
Graham Taylor on 5live. (Steven Draper, UK).

"I want to be playing in a Norwich side that gets promoted to the Premiership."
What Jason Shackell said after signing a new contact at Carrow Road. Try Football Manager, Jason! (Chris M - Norwich season-ticket holder).

"Sometimes I'd like to have a conversation with a friend in a restaurant without feeling I'm being watched. At this rate I will have to go on holiday to Greenland. But maybe the Eskimos would know me."
Fernando Torres on being crowded by fans. (Mubashir Suleman, England).

"We will probably have to score more goals than we let in to win games."
Jermaine Jenas of Spurs showing he has grasped the finer points of the game in a TV interview. (John Johnstone, Edinburgh).

"Watch the Celtic-Milan match live on Radio Scotland."
Richard Gordon on Sportsound. Watch the radio?! (Tam, Scotland).

"I refused to get carried away in defeat and I won't get carried away in victory."
Sammy Lee after drawing with bottom club Derby. But you didn't win, Sammy!! (Graeme Clark, England).

"The big thing about Newcastle is there is only Newcastle in Newcastle."
Joey Barton making it clear why he left Man City for Newcastle. (Brian Moore, Scotland).

"I don't think you can win this World Cup without scoring points."
Australian rugby union coach John Connolly. (Aki Casey, Australia).

Guess who's back?

"Just look at the ball played forward there by Jamie Redknapp to Torres."
Ronnie Whelan on RTE. So when did Redknapp make his comeback? (Dave, Ireland).

"No, it is me."
Eric Cantona upon being asked whether Zinedine Zidane or Michel Platini was the greatest-ever French footballer. (Julian, Australia).

"My family are all in the marines and a commander never leaves his troops. If he does that, he's lost."
Martin Jol commenting on his side's recent comeback against Aston Villa. (Jubril Alao, United Kingdom).

"Their players are on thousands a week whereas for us it's £30 and a free bag of whippet food."
Morecambe fan during 5live's interviews at the Carling Cup game against Sheffield United. (Glen Cooper, UK).

"Oh my God I can't believe it, we've never been this good away from home!"
Leeds fans to the tune of the Kaiser Chiefs' 'Oh My God'. (Robin, England).

"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Arsenal fans to Sunderland when they went 2-0 up at the Emirates.
"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Sunderland fans when Arsenal threw away their 2-0 lead. (Harry, UK).

"Ginger Mourinho!"
Leicester City fans singing to Gary Megson at Sheffield Wednesday. (Jon, UK).

And coming on for Northampton...

"You're supposed to be a gnome!"
Millwall fans to Northampton's pint-sized full-back Danny Jackman. (Davy McMurray, London).

"Maradona!"
Argentine rugby fans getting confused as to which sport their national team is playing during the Rugby World Cup quarter-final against Scotland. (Ben, UK).

"E-I-E-I-E-I-O - a monkey-hanging you will go."
Forest fans remind Hartlepool what they are most famous for. It was hilarious - well the Forest fans thought it was. (Mark Ritchie, England).

"Hey Nicky you're so fine, you're so fine, you're two behind, hey Nicky!"
Bishops Stortford fans to St Albans goalkeeper Nick Eyre in the FA Cup second qualifying round. (Dan Howes, UK).

"Gordon for England!" Sunderland fans to their, erm, Scottish goalkeeper, Craig Gordon. (Sexy Boy, England).

"Does your mother know you're here?"
Scunthorpe fans to young Norwich supporters. (Danny Oakley, England).

"Let's pretend we've scored a goal!"
A chant sung by Bradford City's fans in the closing five minutes of a dire 3-0 loss at home to Accrington Stanley, followed by all participants going absolutely crazy. (Russ Waldron, England).

"Your ground's too big for you!"
Peterborough fans at Shrewsbury.
"That stand's too big for you!"
Shrewsbury fans hit back at the 200 or so fans in a 2,000 capacity stand! (Sam, UK).

"Oh Christian Dailly you're a Saint for life.
Oh Christian Dailly will you s*** my wife?
Oh Christian Dailly, we want curly hair to-ooo."
Saints fans' chant for their new centre-back. To the tune of 'I love you Baby'. (Philip Salkeld, Durham).

"We saw you cry on the telly!"
Sung when Preston played Southampton, referring to when Gregor Rasiak missed a penalty against us in the play-offs and then promptly cried. (Sam, UK).

"Can we play you every week?"
Chorley fans brought out the usual chant when leading 2-0 against Lancaster. The twist being that the fixture is repeated almost every week in October (2nd, 9th, 23rd). (Jan Buxton, UK).

You can have him!

"We've got Joey Barton, We've got Joey Barton, la la la la."
Newcastle fans to Man City fans last Saturday.
"You've got Joey Barton, You've got Joey Barton, ha ha ha ha!"
City fans after seeing their side go 3-1 up. (Julie, UK).

"Take your shoes off if you're crap."
Sung by Manchester City fans when Newcastle fans started waving their shoes in the air - they soon vanished. (David, England).

"Sit down, Pinocchio!"
Spurs fans to Gareth Southgate during recent Carling Cup game with Boro. (Justin Fleming, England).